Flour in my Hair

The little drummer boy has always been right there with Santa and Rudolph in my mind... made up characters that are all over Christmas, but don't really have much to do with the real story of Christmas. That little fella has been more annoying, however, because he claims to be part of the birth of Christ, but he's a fake! He wasn't there, he's not in the Bible anywhere.

But I was listening to my favorite cookie-baking CD today, Mercy Me's The Christmas Sessions, and was struck by that little dummer boy. There I was, minding my own business, trying to get another thing checked off of my ginormous Christmas to-do list, and he smacked me right up side the head. Something about Mercy Me's version, I think, because in the chorus, there's less emphasis on the Rum pa pum pum, and more on asking, "Shall I play for you?" And the final line of the song they sing, "I played my best for Christ, then He smiled at me."

Hmmm. There I was elbows deep in flour and mess, trying to make these cookies that are ridiculously hard to manage, thinking about what else needs to be done--and for what? Is it for Him? Oh how easy it is to get caught up with the wrong motivations. And how He longs to smile at us when we have our eyes in the right direction.

And here I've been giving the little drummer boy a bad rap for being a Christmas fake. May we all play our best for Christ, during the Christmas Season, and throughout the year.





photo credit to Lacey Dahlstrom

I Give Up

Surrender sounds like a passive word. Seems like it's another way of saying, "do nothing." In this adventure of trying to be a fully committed follower of Christ, to be His, there's a lot of surrendering goin' on. I must surrender my will, my self, my picture of how things should turn out, my grudges--lay it all down and trust Him to take care of it. Surrendering is something I've thought about and written about, and been working to do for quite a while. And that's the way it's supposed to be, Jesus said we'll need to do it daily. Surrendering isn't a check on the to-do list, it's a way of living.

The new ah-hah moment for me this past weekend is this: surrendering is NOT passive. It isn't doing nothing at all. Waving the white flag isn't doing nothing, walking across the lines and holding up your hands, that isn't nothing. That's taking steps in a new, different direction. And it's scary. Maybe a little lonely. And there's some loss involved, so it's sad, there may be some grieving.

Sometimes surrendering is a relief. There's all this stuff, this burden I've been carrying around, and thank You, Jesus, I can lay it all down before You. There's a freeing lightening of the big, heavy load. But this weekend, I've felt this fear, loneliness, and sadness. It's been troubling, and I've been asking God what's the deal? Where's the joy? I'm trying so hard to surrender, where's the pay-off?

But I'm thinking this morning, that maybe this is what surrender feels like, too. Really giving something up means a real death of sorts. And really trusting, really having faith, is believing God has something so much better for me than my dreams when I kind of liked them, and miss them for a while.

The Waiting is the Hardest Part

I was just saying to Scott last night that one of our cats, Greta, has never mastered that getting-out-of-the-way thing that cats typically do. Usually, cats slink around and anticipate your moves, sliding out of the way at the last second. Not Greta. She gets stepped on regularly, and she places herself right in the middle of doorways and stairs. We are often contorting ourselves to step around her. Goofy cat.

She likes to be right in the thick of things. This is especially true if she thinks she might be able to see the bottom of her dish, if she feels it may be coming perilously close to empty. Regardless of the state of her dish, though, she follows me around and I am always in her line of sight. Not big on meowing--unless you pick her up or step on her--she just makes her presence known by getting in the way. It occurs to me this morning that she may be on to something.

Ever notice how sometimes everything you read and hear is sending the same message? I'm doing a Beth Moore Bible study of the book of Esther, our series at church has been on the last chapter of Philippians and all about joy, and I just finished Phil Vischer's book, Me, Myself and Bob, about the rise and fall of the company he started, Big Idea, makers of VeggieTales. God has a beautiful way of getting His message through, loud and clear--even if it takes three different messengers! (and if you count Greta, four)

So here's what I've been hearing: We have to get to the place where only God is enough. He have to wait on Him, not the stuff, event, job, etc. Waiting on Him means giving up ALL the self stuff, including our dreams, even dreams He may have given us, and being completely and totally about Him. Loving with all we've got and all we are: mind, heart, soul, strength. I believe this with my head, I have for years. But living it out in a practical way is tougher for me. I don't know exactly what it looks like to wait on the LORD every moment, you know, while doing laundry, making lunches and racing for the bus, being a chauffeur, vacuuming, shopping, taking a shower, reading or watching tv, whatever....

Yes, I can be prayerful while I do these things, and sometimes I do a good job there. But waiting on HIM, rather than the next thing is kind of what was an eye-opener for me. I don't like the waiting part, I like the results part. But in the waiting is where we hear and see Him. If we don't wait, we miss it, our focus not on Him, but on the results.

And then I see Greta. She waits on me. She is singularly focused, following me, looking at me, watching for where I'll go next, gets in my face and makes me love her. Even as she's doing other things, like watching the squirrels out the window, she has one ear cocked toward me. Even when the dish is full. Maybe that's how I need to wait on the LORD. Singularly focused on Him, always listening for His direction, always looking for Him. And even if I'm in His way, He won't step on me, He'll redirect me. "The Lord directs the steps of the godly. He delights in every detail of their lives." Proverbs 37:23 NLT Wow, He is so good.

Magic School Bus

How can it be that the bus stop stirs up so much in me? Am I a kook? That's a rhetorical question. There is something about the kids walking away, going somewhere else, away from me, to grow and learn... I have a love/hate thing going with it. I love that they're becoming their own people, going off into the world for just a little while. I hate that it's a reminder that someday they'll do it for real. They'll grow all the way up, or at least go all the way away. Their care will be beyond my jurisdiction.

I was thinking this morning about how my kids walk to the bus stop differently in the mornings:
I have one who wants me to be at the bus stop, or be watching it until the bus comes. Love that I'm still wanted, "needed," and you know, a little fresh air won't kill me in the morning. Hate that I'm often in the driveway or walking down the street in my jammies, that the weather is getting yukky, and hate that I suspect a little bit of a power/control thing, getting mom to do our bidding.

I have another one who kisses me good bye, professes love for me, and walks out the door, never looking back. Love the confidence, and the readiness to start the day. I like to think some of it comes from knowing there's love at home. Hate that there isn't even one tiny bit of needing me once the threshold has been crossed. I feel out of sight and out of mind.

And finally, I have one who bounds out the door, adjusting jacket and backpack, all a little discombobulated, gets to the end of the driveway, turns and goes about 10 paces or so down the street, and ALWAYS, like a reflex, looks back to see if I'm watching, and gives me a wave. Ok, I just love everything about this departure. It makes me smile every morning. But I still get that squishy feeling as the steps take my baby farther and farther away.

The Bible reminds us in Ecclesiastes that there is a time for love, and a time for hate. It doesn't mention this battle in my heart where I'm engaged in both at the same time. But that same passage in the third chapter is about seasons. I think my struggle is now and has often been to fully appreciate the season that I'm in right now. Not anxiously awaiting the next thing, and being completely IN the season I'm in. So maybe loving and hating simultaneously is how I do it. I don't know.

At the end of his whole "there's a time for this and a time for that" message, Solomon says, "What do people really get for all their hard work? I have seen the burden God has placed on us all. Yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God’s work from beginning to end. So I concluded there is nothing better than to be happy and enjoy ourselves as long as we can. And people should eat and drink and enjoy the fruits of their labor, for these are gifts from God." (Ecclesiastes 3:9-13)NLT

Oh Lord, help me enjoy the gifts that these children are, and help me to remember the WHOLE SCOPE of Your work, here on our street, in our home, in our lives.

And, Action!

I was reminded again today of how very, very important it is to keep a record of the things God is doing in your life. Some call this "journaling." Some people can do that, and some really enjoy writing out their prayers, or dumping feelings all over a page. If that's not you, don't sweat it. Does the very mention of the j-word make you twitchy? Let me offer some encouragement to you.

For starters, call it something else! It can be just a pad of paper, or a folder full of scraps of paper, written in the car in a hurry. And take the pressure off of yourself to meaningfully write beautiful prose.... You can jot down a few words that will be a reminder to you. Bullet points are a beautiful thing; you don't have to write a whole story. It's for you, so no need to impress anyone, ya know? Think of facebook status updates, or tweets on twitter. Did God open the door today for you to have a conversation with someone? Did you see an answered prayer? One sentence will do.

Jesus warned about getting stuck spiritually in His parable about the farmer scattering seeds. When he explained the meaning of the parable to His disciples, He said, "The seeds that fell among the thorns represent those who hear the message, but all too quickly the message is crowded out by the cares and riches and pleasures of this life. And so they never grow into maturity." (Luke 8:14 NLT) This life is full of legitimate cares. Bills have to be paid, kids have to be taken care of, work has to be done. In all those cares, we can rejoice in the moment of seeing God's activity, and then bounce right on to the next care. Remembering His love and activity can help keep those cares from crowding out His Good News.

There is such value in having a tangible record of God's activity that you can hold in your hands, look back at and remember, and see what He did. When you're keeping track, you'll be amazed at how His work in you starts to stack up! And what a blessing, during times of doubt and questioning, to be able to look back and see proof, to read in your own handwriting what He did in your life. He was active in the past and He is active today.

Can I Hear You Now?

Scott spent an intense 3 days in Berkeley, CA at a seminar titled, "Unlearning Racism" last weekend. He arrived home at about 1:00 Monday morning, and had to go to work after a few hours sleep, so there hasn't been a lot of time for him to tell me all about it. It was one of those "hard-to-put it-into-words" kind of deals. Bits and pieces are coming out of him....

One of the important lessons he has shared with me is about how people listen to each other. There are things we do, in conversation, that shut down communication. Sometimes we shut it down because there are things that just seem too hard to talk about or hear, or we can just be so busy with our eyes on our own selves that we close the door on someone else's story.

This makes me wonder about my own conversations with God. Am I shutting His voice down? Where are my eyes looking? Something to think about.

Where to Begin?

Oh, the things I've been meaning to do: e-mails that need to be sent, the stack of books to read, the linen closet that is screaming for reorganization, and on and on. It's amazing to me how the days slip by, the immediate needs pressing for attention just crowd out all the other stuff. All those things I've been meaning to do are left untouched, after weeks. I want to use the time God's given me well. I want to be in an obedient posture, ready for God to use me wherever He may lead, and yet I feel whole days and weeks get eaten up by the events of today or prepping for tomorrow.

Sometimes my reaction to this is to be stubborn about the calendar. I get sort of passive/aggressive with it, unwilling to fill up the month, but that's silly. We need to have the soccer games written on there, or else I end up having us in two places at once. Sometimes I get overwhelmed, and start making lists so I can feel some control. Scott and I heard in a Sunday School class once years ago that what Satan does is "rob us of the now." How true. I want to remember that this is the day that the LORD made, I want to rejoice and be glad in it.

The best way to do that, for me, is to start the day with Him. Begin with my eyes looking up, rather than at the calendar and lists... so easy to say, but harder to drag myself out of bed in the dark to get those few moments before the pressing begins. It's worked for me in the past, so with the new school year, I'm getting back on track! Decided to start reading some books of the Bible I've never read before.. Joel, Amos & Obediah. I'll go through them slowly, and ask Him to show me what I need to see. He honors that prayer. Everytime.