First full day of school. Ahhhh, routine. How I have longed for it.
I struggled this summer with the lack of schedule. We intentionally did not sign up for a bunch of things this summer, thinking it's good to get a little bored in the summer. But with all that free time, it seemed like I did more chauffeuring than ever, taking folks here and there because why not? Nothing else that needs to be done.... It left me feeling unsettled, not knowing if I had an hour to get something done, or 15 minutes, or 3 hours. That unsettled feeling soon turned to just plain old crabby.
I am learning that I need to be responsible for my own happiness. When you have babies and you stay home and the world revolves around their physical needs, your life gets turned upside down. As the years go by, you learn how to start spinning it back right-side-up, but still, your own wants get put on hold for a while. And it's ok, for a while. I was talking with a dear friend just this morning about how we have pressed the pause button on a few things in our lives. Willingly, and purposefully, we have set some things onto the back burner.
But I have to remember it's still on the stove! I found myself this summer feeling resentful of everyone else in the family because I had somehow become the coordinator and accommodater of their happiness, and who was doing that for me? You're cordially invited to my pity party. It's like I let some muscles atrophy, I couldn't even think what would make me happy, I'd been so used to not having the opportunity.
The kids are getting older, the needs are different. You know what they say, "when mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy." There is some truth to it. Who wants a resentful, jealous, crabby happiness coordinator? I need to be looking into that pot on the back burner and stir it up, tend to it a little bit before there's nothing there, for all of our sakes.